Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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