remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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