My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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