In the future we'll all be gay
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So many bounce houses so little time
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
