I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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