Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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