New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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