Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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