My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Who died my cat blue again?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
