'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
