he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
