I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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