Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
