I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
