You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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