She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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