dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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