This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
