I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
