At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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