Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
