i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
