I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Welp...herpes.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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