I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
