Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
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Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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