1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
In America we eat man semen.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
