he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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