the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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