Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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