A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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