i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
