Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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