I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
