I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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