think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
