Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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