I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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