Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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