are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
