If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you made out with another girl for some wings
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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