When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
