GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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