I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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