He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
