I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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