i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
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Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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