her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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