I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
