My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
