I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
