im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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