I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
