It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
