Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
