Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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