Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
