There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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