Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
