If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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